Overcoming the "Big Wave"

I cannot tell you how many times I open my coaching message board and read a message similar to this:

“As you might have guessed by my absence yesterday, I messed up last night. I watched porn and then acted out. I don’t know what happened! I was doing so well and out of nowhere I felt I just got slapped in the face with urges I just couldn’t overcome. I fought for a while, but it eventually got me. Why does this happen? I was doing so well!”

Let’s quickly review what our training teaches on what is happening in your brain when you feel overwhelmed by these types of waves. First, there is always something “triggering” your overwhelming urges. The most obvious is an environmental trigger—a person, place, object or situation from the world around you; for example, a computer, an attractive person, a bookstore, a bar, or the beach. It could also be fantasy thoughts that come into your mind. While it’s important to recognize these triggers, they are only an outward symptom of much deeper issues.

There are also emotional triggers involved, or—what we refer to in the program as feeling BLASTed—for example, you’re stressed, bored or lonely. When you allow your BLASTed emotions to build up, and you fail to deal with them in healthy ways, you allow yourself to reach a crisis level where it’s screaming for relief. With your old patterns dominating your brain circuitry, it easily offers old sexual outlets as the easiest and quickest way to meet these emotional demands. Buying into the panic, you to give into these unwanted sexual behaviors for a dopamine and endorphin rush. If you try to simply fight or avoid the urge, it will usually increase in intensity until you finally give in.

Whenever you feel the wave starting to build, and you know you’re headed into the funnel, you’ve got to take emergency action immediately—while you still have the presence of mind to do so.

Take Emergency Action

In the program we give you an emergency action plan, which I’ll briefly review here. Whenever you feel the wave coming on, immediately go to a set or previously identified crisis tools. We give these to you in detail in the program, but you can develop some of your own that have worked in times of struggle. Just look back over your recovery period and start developing a crisis tool box that you can go to.

Here are some examples of tools:

•Motives Gallery – A designated place on your phone, tablet, computer or just a folder full of pictures, videos, or music that inspire and remind you of any motive for not engaging in your old habits.

•Letter to Self – When you are in a positive frame of mind, write a letter identifying all of the reasons you do not want to engage and remind yourself what works instead.

•Crisis Contacts – Keep a list of people that you can contact even for simple connection to distract your brain for a time until the wave passes.

The most important key is early awareness. To successfully overcome the wave it is best to catch it early before it grows into an unstoppable Tsnaumi. It’s also important to practice your “Emergency Action plan” using the tools when you are not in crisis so that you are familiar with them. Also, remember that the wave will pass, keep fighting until it does.

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